Weiss Movie Reviews
by Siko Kudou
Summary: Yohji and Schu: It sucked!
1. The gang's all here...

(camera rolls: the Weiss and Schwarz boys are sitting in a theater. Aya and Crawford are looking at the camera and glowering, Omi and Nagi are feeding each other popcorn ^.^, Schu is dozing off with Yohji snoozing on his shoulder, drooling, Ken is reading 16 magazine and Farfello is sticking popcorn kernels up Schu's nose)

Crawford: Hello, and welcome to Weiss and Schwarz movie reviews, where we tell you which movies are pure crap so you don't go see them and if you do, we'll kill you and burn your bodies. *smiles pleasantly* But let's introduce our critics. First off is me, Brad Crawford. I am a young, sexy entrepreneur with the best taste of all these freaks of nature. *a random shoe hits his head* HEY!

Nagi: *looks around, whistling*

Aya: I am Aya. I hate you all.

Omi: …that's it?

Aya: …

Omi: Well, I'm Omi! I enjoy candlelit dinners, long walks on the beac-

Crawford: Next off is Schuldig. ….Schu? *turns around to see Schu snoring with  tons of popcorn kernels crammed in his nostrils* WAKE UP!

Schu: *jolts up* What? What?! –hey, I can't breathe! *runs around screaming*

Farfello: *giggles*

Crawford: *hand to head*

Yohji: *waking up* I heard screaming! This is a job for…Yohji-man!

Omi: *smacks him upside his head*

Yohji: Ow!

Omi: This is Yohji, the man-whore.

Yohji: *grins* At your service…

Nagi: I'm Naoe Nagi, the most sane of all of these people, so please regard my opinions over theirs, or you'll regret it…

Schu: *sits down, nose bleeding and grins* I'm Schu, your resident sexy bitch!

Aya: *nods at Ken* This is Ken…that's all we're going to say about him.

Ken: Eh?!

Crawford: *gestures toward Farfello* This is Farfello…just pretend he isn't here.

Farfello: *pouts*

Nagi: So, the first list on the agenda is…*reads off paper* …"Barney's Great Adventure" …what the hell?

Crawford: We're reviewing *that*?

Nagi: It's what the paper says.

Crawford: Fine. It's the stupidest piece of crap ever released. The end.

Aya: …

Schu: Barney scares the fuck outta me, seriously!

Farfello: Barney's a sociopath.

Ken: The little kids in the movie were pretty hot.

Everyone else: …

Ken: I mean, I didn't like it! 

~*~

Nagi: …we are moving on. Next movie: "Labyrinth"

Schu: Kicked ass! David Bowie looked really hot in those pants…and the little goblins were cool! I wanna take one home with me!

Crawford: Schu, have you been in my medicine cabinet, again?

Schu: Um, no…

Omi: I liked the music! "Dance, magic dance!"

Nagi: *sweatdrop*

Yohji: This movie just traumatized me…

Farfello: The Goblin King reminded me of myself-

Crawford and Aya: Lame.

Schu, Omi and Farfie: *hit them*

Aya: …

Crawford: *glasses are knocked off* ACK, I'VE GONE BLIND!

Nagi: Does anyone care what I think about it?

Everyone else except Omi: No.

~*~

Nagi: *grimaces* Next movie …"A Clockwork Orange".

Aya: …

Crawford: Very interesting…Stanley Kubrick's genius shines through in this groundbreaking film centered around the idea of-

Farfello: There was a lot of god-hurting!

Schu: And violence!

Ken: *sad face* There were no kids…

Omi: I liked it! Alex was cute…   

Nagi: I never got to see it…Schu wouldn't let me watch it with him.

Schu: *pats Nagi on the head* It wasn't appropriate for you…

Nagi: What the hell are you talking about? I'm a freaking assassin. And you let me watch 'Like A Horse', how is *that* appropriate?

Schu: Nagi, porn is a different matter completely! A growing boy needs his smut!

~*~

Nagi: *shudders* Alright, next: "Titanic".

Schu: Sucked.

Yohji: Wait, that one girl was naked! …but other than that, sucked.

Crawford: Waaaaaay too overdone.

Farfello: It made me cry…

Schu: *bursts out into laughter* You-cried-during-*Titanic*?! Ha ha, Farfie's in love with Leonardo DiCaprio!

Farfello: Shut up, I am not!

Schu: Can you explain that pin-up in your room then?

Farfello: ..it was a present…from Ken.

Ken: *sighs* Leonardo is so dreamy…

~*~

Nagi: "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

Yohji: Whoo-hoo! I need to pay a visit to the Castle Anthrax…

Aya: …

Ken: There were no little boys in it…

Schu: We are the knights who say ni!

Farfello: *Kids in the Hall style**grins* I liked it… 

Crawford: It was utterly pointless.

Nagi: Well, I liked i-

Everyone else except Omi: We don't care.

Nagi: *glares* 

~*~

Nagi: "E.T., the Extra Terrestrial".

Aya: *whimpers*

Crawford: Um, what's wrong with him?

Yohji: Oh, he just has some E.T. trauma…

Aya: His fingers! His fingers are scary! *cries*

Ken: I liked Elliot. *grins*

Omi: *hand to head*

Schu: That movie was lame. I would have rather subjected myself to Farfello singing 'Bootylicious'…

Farfello: Hey, I sing good!

Schu: Riiiiight…

Farfello: It's better than you trying to sing 'Shake Ya Ass'!

Schu: *twitches* That was low…

Nagi: This movie scarred me for life. I don't think I'll ever recover.

Aya: HIS *FINGERS*! THE NIGHTMARES WON'T STOP!

~*~

Well, uh, I'll probably have more movie reviews up soon…if anybody has any requests, just let me know! Ja! ^_^


	2. Back...with a vengence!

(the Weiss and Schwarz boys sitting in the theater, all looking equally pissed off. They all look disheveled, like they dressed in a hurry or something…)

Crawford: *clears throat* Ahem…we are here because the author so kindly decided to interrupt us with our *personal time* with each other. *glares*

Nagi: *glares*

Omi: *glares*

Farfello: *glares*

Ken: *glares*

Aya: *death glare*

Schu: *snuggling up to Yohji, glaring* And a damn fine time it was, too…do you how AGGRAVATING it is to be interrupted right in mid-thrust-

Yohji: *slaps a hand over his mouth and nervously laughs* We were uh, churning butter, yeah…

Nagi: *sighs* And anyway, we're here to take some of those requests that some of you left.

Omi: *blinks* You mean people are actually *requesting* reviews?

Nagi: Strange but true…

Schu: Yup, and it's because of my presence here! *grins and flips his hair over his shoulder*

Everyone else: *roll their eyes*

Nagi: Let's just get this over with…*scans through the list of movies* Alright, how about 'Velvet Goldmine'? 

Crawford: Hn, one of the *author's* *glare* favorite movies…

Nagi: That's Farfie's favorite movie!

Farfello: No, it isn't!

Nagi: How come you always steal my laptop to look at Velvet Goldmine slash then?

Farfello: *glares*

Aya: …I liked it.

Everyone: *gasp*

Aya: What? *mutters* Brian Slade was pretty cute…

Yohji: *crosses arms and pouts*

~*~

Nagi: *looking through the list* 'What Lies Beneath'?

Crawford: Childish.

Aya: I have to agree.

Ken: Don't lie, Aya…

Aya: *crosses arms* I'm not.

Yohji: Ha, Aya won't take baths anymore, he's traumatized!

Aya: Shut up, that isn't true!

Yohji: Well, if Michelle Pfeiffer looked like she did in that one Batman movie, it would have been really cool…I mean, she was really hot as Catwoman! 

Schu: Yohji and I tried that Quija board thing like they did in the movie.

Yohji: Yeah, but it didn't work…

(everything gets blurry, dreamy music plays)

~*FLASHBACK SEQUENCE*~

(Yohji and Schu walk down the street at night, drunk as hell. Schu's holding an almost empty bottle of Jack Daniels. Both are falling all over each other)

Both: If ya wanna be myyyy loveeeeer, ya gotta get with my frieeeeeeends….

Schu: *notices a store surrounded by bright colors* Ehhhh???!!! *pulls Yohji over to it with him to find that it's a toy store* YAY!

Yohji: *squints* Wassat?

Schu: *tries to open the door only to find that it's locked and the store is closed* WHAT?! NO! You stupid….*THING*!

Yohji: *snickers, picking up a conveniently placed brick* Watch this…*hurls it through the window, shattering the glass and setting off the alarm*

Schu: *grins and claps, jumping inside* 

(both walk around the store snickering until Schu sees a Quija board)

Schu: Hey, let's call some ghosts! *grabs it*

Yohji: I see dead people! *laughs at himself*

(just as the sounds of sirens ring out through the air, they run out, still laughing)

15 minutes later in a random bathroom…

(both are sitting around it, staring at planchette*word spelling thingy*)

Schu: Um…why won't it move?

Yohji: *just stares*

Schu: Why isn't it moving?

Yohji: *just stares*

Schu: *sighs and looks at his watch* It's been 10 seconds, why isn't anything happening?!

Yohji: *looks about ready to faint*

Schu: …screw this. *grabs Yohji and pulls his out of the bathroom to a random bedroom*

Yohji: *singing the Spice Girls totally slurred*

(the planchette slowly moves to spells out the word "IDIOTS")

~*END FLASHBACK SEQUENCE*~

Schu and Yohji: *grin*

Everyone else: *sweatdrop*

~*~

Nagi: Ummmm…'Braveheart'"?

Crawford: Finally, a movie that *I* actually liked…

Schu: Ha! That movie's about Farfie!

Farfello: *glares*

Yohji: Schuldig no baka! The people in that movie were Scottish, not Irish!

Schu: Oh…well, what's the difference anyway?

Everyone else: *hand to head*

Farfie: I liked it, anyway…nice and gory…

Nagi: Just like Velvet Goldmine?

Farfello: Shut up!

Heyyyy, I'll be responding to the rest of the requests soon! Until then, you can keep 'em coming! ^_^ Ja!


	3. More frightening than ever

(we see the Weiss and Schwarz boys all sitting in the theater, looking extremely pissed…they're all wearing t-shirts that say 'Siko's new hair kicks ass!')

Crawford: It's bad enough that she's making us do this review thing, but wearing this stupid shirt on top of it?!

Omi: Siko's new hair looks like a bird's nest.

Yohji: HA HA! *is struck by a bolt of lightning and sits there, sizzling* Oro…

Farfello: She did it in honor of Brad and I…*grins*

Nagi: A combination of both or your hairstyles is just frightening.  

Farfello: *death glare*

Nagi: Eep.

Ken: And to those people who think I like little kids, I don't!

Everyone else: *snickers*

Aya: Let's get it over with, I have a manicure appoin-uhhhhh, I have to practice being a cold-hearted bastard and throwing katanas at helicopters, yeah.

Nagi: *sighs* Fine. *looks over the list* Well, 'Bambi' was requested multiple times.

Schu: Do they think we're 5?! Jesus…

Aya: *crosses arms* Aya-chan liked it, therefore it is the greatest movie of all time.

Crawford: *looks at Schu* You remind me of Thumper.

Schu: What? Where the hell did that come from?!

Crawford: The level of annoyance I reach whenever I see either of you.

Schu: You didn't seem annoyed with me last night…

Crawford: *sweatdrop*

Farfello: *snickers*

Schu: *glares at Farfie* Do I have to jog your memory, too?

Farfello: *pouts*

Yohji: *smoking a cigarette* I didn't understand the movie, it was too complex for me.

Everyone else: *just stares*

Yohji: *blinks* What?! It's about freaking deer! How the hell do you expect me to understand a movie about deer?

Crawford: It wasn't a hunting movie.

Yohji: It wasn't?! Well, that explains it…*snickers* Hey, remember when Omi went undercover for that one mission to be prey for those old people? It would have been funny if they caught Omi and put his head in a trophy room! *cackles*

Omi: *hits him* Yaro! No, it wouldn't!

Ken: I cried when Bambi's mother died…that was so sad. *sniffles*

Aya: TAKATORI DID IT, DIDN'T HE?! AND HE KILLED BAMBI'S FATHER AND RAN OVER HIS SISTER, TOO! BASTARD, SHI-NE!

Nagi: *sweatdrop* We are moving on…um, how about 'the Rocky Horror Picture Show'?

Crawford: *hand to head*

Schu: *giggles* There's something that Bradley doesn't want you to know about in his past…

Crawford: For the last time, I am not Brad Majors!

Yohji: *lying back with his sunglasses on, takes a drag of his cigarette and shrugs* Could of fooled me…

Crawford: *glares*

(Nagi and Omi look at each other and smile)

Ken: *suspicious look* Why are you smiling?

Omi: Our school did a production of Rocky Horror…

Schu: Whoa, hold on a second, your *school* did a production of it? *sighs* To be young in this generation…

Omi: I was Frank N. Furter!

Everyone else: *pales*

Yohji: That's a side of you that I never want to see…

Nagi: I was Rocky…

Schu: *stares for a minute, then doubles over with laughter* Nagi in a gold speedo, that's priceless!

Farfello: *giggles* 

(the light rigging above them falls inches from them and they both shut up)

Ken: I liked it! I got to see it live!

Aya: Please don't remind us of that time…

~*~FLASHBACK SEQUENCE~*~

(the Weiss boys are all seeing R.H. live. Ken is dressed as Eddie, looking very uh, odd…it's at the point in the show where you supposed to get up and do the Time Warp)

Ken: Yaaaaaaay! *hops up and starts dancing* It's just a jump to the left…

Yohji: *is properly sloshed and staggers up* *slurs* Howwwwzz that dance do again? Something, something, something, something Macarena? *starts doing the Macarena* Heyyyyy, Macarena…

Omi: *is dancing as enthusiastically as Ken* And then a step to the ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ght!

Aya: *sits in his seat, glaring*

Yohji: *is obliviously making his way down the aisle toward the stage still dancing* When I dance they call me Macarenaaaa…

Ken: *grabbing Aya's sleeve* Come on, Aya, get up and have some fun! *yanks him out of his seat*

Aya: Ehhh??? *trips and falls into the arms of someone dressed as Frank N. Furter*

Guy: *looks down at Aya and raises his eyebrows* 

Aya: *looks up and starts to back off, only to be grabbed and dragged away* AHHHHHH!!!!

Ken and Omi: *completely oblivious, dancing*

Yohji: *is on stage with the cast, dancing, while everyone in the audience follows his lead*

Aya's voice in the background: Don't make me go shi-ne on your ass-ah! What did I just say?!

Yohji: HEYYYYYYYYYYY, MACARENA! *faints on stage along with the end of the time warp and lays there, even after the next scene starts*

~*~END FLASHBACK~*~

Schwarz: *silence*

Schu: Could…we…get to the next movie?

Nagi: *vigorously nods* Hm…'Weiss Kreuz'?

Everyone: Ehhhh????

Aya: That's the name of our group!

Crawford: Maybe it's a German movie?

(the author sighs and drags them into a screening room. They emerge hours later, all looking pale)

Ken: …what was that?

Omi: I'm scared…

Nagi: That was us…

Yohji: That couldn't be me! I'm not much of a man-whore!

Schu: *grins* They captured my sleek sexiness perfectly…

Aya: I don't understand…I don't remember any of that!

Farfello: Some of it hasn't happened yet…or something like that.

Crawford: According to the author, we're only up to episode 10 in this fic.

Nagi: What fic?

Crawford: The one we're in right now.

Yohji: Ungh, brain hurts…*faints*

Omi: I liked that show, even though that was nothing like me…

Ken: What are you talking about Omi, that *was* you.

Omi: No, it wasn't!

Nagi: Wait a minute…why is it that we're reviewing movies and screwing each other instead of fighting each other?

Crawford: Hmm…good question…

Schu: Because sex conquers all!

Omi: Don't you mean *love* conquers all?

Schu: No, sex. The hell with love.

Crawford: Hey!

Schu: *sweatdrop*

Nagi: I'm ending this before it gets any worse…

Aya: *sighs in relief* Now for that manicure…*walks out*

Nagi and Omi: *look at each other and run out, hand in hand, giggling*

Schu: *eyes everyone else there and grins before advancing…*

Wai~! The next part is coming soon, so prepare to cower! ^_^

*Oh, and uh, a note about Ken-Ken since some people asked…seeee, the whole thing about Ken liking little kids was this inside joke between Eiko-chan and I about a certain scene in ep. 7…but we love Ken-niichan, it's just our odd sense of humor and adoration… ^^;;


	4. Pure Hell...

(the boys are back…only this time they're not in the theater, no…this time they're sitting in a cafeteria…Siko's school cafeteria to be exact, surrounded by preps, jocks and yos, all staring at them. Siko sits at their table, grinning)

Random prep: Duhhhh, you're gaaaaay! *he and his friends laugh*

Omi: *shoots them a look* Is there a problem with that?

Random jock: Ha ha, you look like GIRLS!

Guys: *glare*

Yohji: Oh, yeah?! Do you wanna see how man I really am?! *starts to unzip his pants*

Siko: YO-TAN! 

Yohji: *rolls eyes and sits back down* You're no fun…

Siko: *opens up a bottle of that really strong Bath and Body Works perfume and throws it in Random jock's face*

Random jock: *covering his eyes* Ah, it *BURNS*!

Farfello: *laughs at him and goes over, kicking him in the face*

Random jock: I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Farfello: *keeps kicking, laughing*

Random Yo: *points at Siko* Your hair is short and spiky…that means you're gay, HAHAHAHA!

Siko: *crosses her arms and turns her nose up* 50% gay, thank you very much… 

Nagi: *is listening to Dir En Grey on his headphones* Saa nemurimashou yume wo miyou, tainai ni hakidashite…

Guys: ^^;;

Siko: Anyway, greeting readers, and welcome to the second floor cafeteria!

Crawford: *looking around disgusted, sighs* The author so lovingly brought us to this hellhole known as Westminster High… 

Schu: Yeah, why did you bring us here?

Siko: Because I have school today and I need to monitor you…

Ken: No, you don't.

Siko: Yes, I do! Incase you guys decide to do anything interesting…I have my camcorder. *pats it and grins*

Omi: Not in this cafeteria…the smell alone is making me nauseous.

Siko: Point taken.   

Aya: *giving deathglares to everyone in the cafeteria*

Omi: *nudges Nagi* Nagi-kun, where's the list?

Nagi: Wait, I wanna hear this one part-Akaku amaku…ARGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

Everyone else: *sweatdrop*

Nagi: *takes his headphones off* Okay. *grabs the list and scans through it* …Crossroads?

Yohji: Crossroads? What the hell is that?

Omi: I think it's some movie with Britney Spears in it…

Siko: *starts to take out a gun and shoot herself in the head but Omi stops her*

Crawford: I don't think any of us has seen this…and Siko isn't cruel enough to *make* us watch it.

Siko: There are some things that are just too sadistic to even think about.

Schu: Well, I uh, read this review of it in the newspaper and they said her acting blew, so it sucks!

Yohji: *nods and puffs his cigarette*

Crawford: Schu, I didn't even know you read movie reviews…I thought comics were the only things simple enough for someone on your intellectual level.

Schu: You're just *begging* to be restricted from sex…

Crawford: I have other methods…*grins at Farfie*

Schu: Oh, yeah? Well, so do I! *grins at Farfie*

Farfello: *whimpers*

Nagi: Alright…how about 'Dumb and Dumber'?

Schu and Yohji: *start laughing their asses off*

Schu: *The* funniest movie ever!

Yohji: Damn straight!

Everyone else: *stare at them oddly*

Crawford: How could I guess *you* would like this movie?

Aya: *whimpers*

Omi: Yes, this was yet another movie that traumatized Aya…

Ken and Yohji: *solemnly nod*

Nagi: …how the hell could 'Dumb and Dumber' traumatize *anyone*?

Omi: He has issues with that one scene…

Schu and Yohji: *laughing their asses off again*

Aya: Shut up, both of you!

Siko: *hits Schu and Yohji in the head* Knock it off, you two!

Schu and Yohji: *pout*

Nagi: Hmmm…how about…'the Nightmare Before Christmas'?

Farfello: *smiles* I like this movie!

Siko: So do I! We have so much in common, Farfie…*grins*

Farfie: *backs away, only to be grabbed by Brad and Schu* Ack!

Yohji: Once again, I couldn't understand it! Too much going on…it hurt my head.

Everyone else: *blinks*

Omi: I thought that it was a cute story…

Ken: I might still like it if Aya hadn't watched it 5, 000 times over…

Aya: I didn't watch it that much!

Omi: Yes you did…back when you and Yohji broke up for a little while, remember? You were always eating ice cream and singing along to the songs…

~*~FLASHBACK SEQUENCE~*~

(Aya sits on the couch, curled up with a pint of Ben and Jerry's watching TNBC, with ice cream smeared all over his face and a Hello Kitty shirt on)

Aya: *singing* When Mr. Oogie Boogie says there's trouble close at hand, you'd better pay attention now, 'cause I'm the Boogie Man…*giggles*

Omi: *walks in and sees this* DEAR GOD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF?!

Aya: *looks up, sees him and turns away, crying* DON'T LOOK AT ME! DON'T LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEE!!!!

~*~END FLASHBACK~*~

Everyone: *just stares*

Omi: …that was a particularly pointless flashback.

Schu: We're going to pretend that never happened.

Crawford: Right.

(suddenly everything goes black!)

Siko: *grins* Blackout…

(a girl screams)

Omi: Siko-sama?

Schu: That was me, you little jerk!

Nagi: That dark is scaring me, Omi!

Omi: *sweatdrop*

Ken: Well, there seem to be a lot of 14 year-olds around here…be back in a few…*walks away* 

Yohji: *still smoking his cigarette* Wow, your school really sucks, Siko…they don't even have the funding to keep the electricity on?

Siko: What did I tell you? Sucks…

Farfello: Let's just g-mfffpphhh! *struggling sounds*

Siko: *takes out her flashlight and grins* Camcorder time…

Well, that was pretty short and pointless…I'll have the next part up soon and I promise it'll be longer! Also, I've been watching some of the movies you guys have been requesting cuz I've forgotten most of them, so, I'm enjoying being a lazy ass, laying around watching movies and eating popcorn all day ^^:;    
 


	5. KILL IT, KILL IT!

(the boys are sitting in the theater with Siko, who is knitting a sweating)

Guys: (all stare oddly at her)

Siko: (hums happily to herself, then turns to look at the guys and glares) What?

Yohji: *snickers* You look like a little old lady doing that…

Siko: *UltraDeathglare* You wanna say that again? I'll stab you with my knitting needle! (brandishes it, evilly) 

Yohji: *whimpers and sinks back*

Nagi: You know, I'd be interesting in knowing who scratched up my Dir En Grey 'Macabre' cd…*glares at Schu*

Schu: Pft, that cd was so stupid anyway…*mocks Kyo's prettiful screaming*

Nagi: Your Nine Inch Nails cds are going to get a visit from mr. Scissors.

Schu: *evil stare* You wouldn't dare…(sounds of scratching in the background) ARGH, YOU STUPID LITTLE PUNK!

Nagi: *smirks*

Crawford: And so we're back for more torment…

Aya: *crosses arms and glares* I hate this…

Ken: *tapping his foot* I want my Spaghetti-O's, dammit, and I want them now! 

Nagi: I don't even watch movies.

Schu: *snickers* Yeah, right. You watch movies…you know, the ones you hide under you mattress that you think we don't know about?

Nagi: *blushes furiously*

Yohji: Damn, I don't need videos…I just go out and get the real thing. *grins*

Crawford: Which would explain why you're a walking STD…

Farfello: *who is sitting next to Yohji…slowly scoots away*

Yohji: *pouts* See what you did?! You ruined my chance for, uh, a nice, innocent romance!

Farfello: *rolls eyes* Yes, I'm sure you had a chance to begin with…

Omi: *is staring at something that is crawling on the floor* What's that?

Schu: *looks down at it* Uh…I don't know…let's kill it!

Guys: YAY! *they all pull out their weapons, except for Omi and Nagi who just sit there*

Nagi: *head in hands*

Omi: *sweatdrop* I think it's a roach.

Guys: Huh? *they look at it and find out, upon further inspection, it is indeed a wood roach…the big flying ones O.o*

Roach: *flies at Yohji's head*

Yohji: *screams like a girl* AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! IT'S GOING TO GET IN MY HAIR! *dives down into the aisle*

Schu: *runs up and down the aisles, crying*

Crawford: *glasses glowing, is shooting at it with his gun* 

Ken: It's going to eat my Sketti-O's! Nooooo!

Farfello: *is ducking behind one of the seats, the top of his head poking over it, whimpering*

Aya: *lies on the floor screaming*

Siko: O.O;;

Nagi: Someone kill me now before the idiocy does…

(everyone stands there panting)

Schu: …is it gone?

Farfello: *slowly stands up* …I…I think so…

Everyone: *sighs of relief*

Schu: *straightens himself up, throws his hair over shoulder and grins* I wasn't scared…I was just making fun of all you pansy-asses.

Everyone else: *sweatdrop*

Schu: *eyes go wide when he feels something crawling up his pants leg* 

Crawford: It's back!

Schu: *looks down and sees it crawling up his leg* …. *screams even louder and girlier than Yohji ^^;;* SOMEONEGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF! 

Farfello: *ducks back behind the seat*

Crawford: *starts shooting at it*

Schu: You're going to shoot me, you idiot!

Crawford: Are you calling me an idiot?

Schu: *all SD, crying* Get it offfffffff…!

Crawford: *tries to shoot his leg* I'm not an idiot!

Schu: *is kicking his leg* It's going to eat me!

Nagi: *sighs and using his telekinesis, picks it up and shoos it outside*

Everyone else: ^^;; *slowly return to their seats…*

Nagi: *pulls out the list and everyone groans*

Siko: *hits them all*

Nagi: *scans the list and clears his throat* Has anyone here seen 'Moulin Rouge'?

(everyone just kind of sits there, whistling and looking away)

Farfello: I liked it…it was…cute.

Schu: *smirks* Only because Ewan McGregor from Velvet Goldmine was in it.

Farfello: *blushes and looks away* When you go to sleep tonight, just remember to keep one eye open…

Schu: Aw, but you wouldn't be able to do that, would you, Farfie?

Farfello: Tonight my patience is at its end…

Siko: Schu, don't make fun of Farfie! Ewan is hot…and I happen to know that you have a thing for Jonathan Rhys Myers. *grins*

Schu: *eyes wide, whispers* You promised you wouldn't say anything!

Crawford: *arms crossed, face green with envy*

Omi: I liked the Love Theme…*smiles at Nagi*

Nagi: *sighs and smiles*

Yohji: All I know is that the video for Lady Marmalade was really hot…*whistles* …except for Christina Aguilera . She looked like Dee Snyder from Twisted Sister.

Everyone else: *shudder*

Aya: Trust Yohji to just look at anything attractive that has a sex organ.

Yohji: Hey, I watch the movie! Nicole Kidman was hot!

Aya: *hand to head* See what I mean?

Nagi: Let's see…hm, Hannibal.

Ken: That movie was disturbing! It gave me nightmares! *cries*

Omi: Poor Ken-kun…*pats his shoulder*

Aya: *turns nose up* 'Silence of the Lambs' was better.  

Yohji: And you liked the Vanilla Ice movie 'Cool As Ice'.

Aya: *looks around nervously*…I have…no idea what you're talking about.

Schu: Ha! Nagi, remember when we tried to get Farfie to eat brains?

Nagi: I didn't participate…I left before the idiot molecules entered my bloodstream.

~*~FLASHBACK SEQUENCE~*~

(Farfie's in his straight jacket and Schu and Nagi are standing there with a corpse of one of their…uh…charges)

Schu: *who has cut off the top of the head* We just watched Hannibal and we figured you might like some brains to eat.

Farfello: No.

Schu: You're a psychopath, don't tell me you don't want a nice juicy brain!

Farfello: I am not a cannibal. 

Schu: *rolls eyes* That's what they allllll say…

Farfello: what the hell are you talking about?

Nagi: …I'm keeping my appointment waiting.

Schu: *turns around* Ooooooh, is it Omi? *makes goo-goo eyes*

Nagi: I will rip out your hair strand by strand without placing a single hand on your head. *turns around and walks out*

Farfello: *sniffs the air to smell Jack Daniels* You're piss drunk.

Schu: Naw, I'm just a little loose! *shoves a piece of brain in Farfie's face* Come on, it's like KFC: "Finger Lickin' Good!"

Farfello: *apathetic expression* I am not eating a brain.

(Crawford suddenly walks in and gapes at the sight of Schu shoving brains in Farfie's mouth)

Crawford: …I am not even going to ask. *shuts the door and locks it*

*view of the door from outside*

Schu's voice: Brad, wait! You locked me in here and-(pauses)-how did you get out of your straight jacket? And why are you coming toward me with that look? –no, wait a minute, not with *that*!

~*~END FLASHBACK SEQUENCE~*~

Schu: I couldn't walk for a week after that.

Siko: *grins* I bet…

Schu: No, it's not what your perverted yaoi fangirl mind is thinking!

Siko: Oh, I'm sure. *snickers*

Nagi: Uhhhh…Babe?

Yohji: Eh? You mean like *sings* "Babe, babe, babe, na, na, na!"

Aya: *hits him upside his head* Baka yaro, it's a movie about a pig!

Yohji: Oh. …well, it's a good song anyway! *grins*

Omi: It was cute! But the people at my school make fun of me for liking it…*hangs head and sniffles*

Nagi: (wraps an arm around his shoulder)

Schu: Ha ha, it's because you're a stupid pansy who likes a stupid pansy movie! *an invisible force starts pulling his hair and hitting his head against the seat at the same time* OW!

Nagi: *smiles* Moving on…Battle Royale. One of my personal favorites.

Farfello: Mine, too!

Siko: Ah, yes, sexy little junior high kids…

Everyone else except Ken, who smiles: *eyes wide*

Siko: *looks around* Oh, come on, I'm only 15 here!

Aya: That was more disturbing than Hannibal.

Crawford: Mm, the modern Lord of the Flies.

Yohji: What about Naked Lunch?

Everyone else: What?

Yohji: I don't know, that movie just sounds cool.

Siko: Oi…

Schu: I have an idea for a movie review, just for Nagi!

Nagi: *growls* Do not start this…

Schu: It's a French film called 'Gigolo'. It's 'independent'. *grins*

Nagi: That is it! *picks Schu up with his telekinesis*

Schu: Cool, I'm flying! Wheeeeee! 

Nagi: *throws him out*

Schu: *being thrown out* Der scheisskopffffffff!

Yohji and Crawford in unison: Hey, that was my bitch you just throw out!*they glare at one another*

Yohji: Now I'll have to go back to Aya! He's boring…he doesn't like to experiment…

Aya: *glares and slides katana out*

Yohji: *looks at him* Uh, I mean, great, I love conventional sex!

Aya: Oh, there will be punishment when we get home.

Yohji: *grins and raises his eyebrows*

Ken: Can I have mt Sketti-O's now?

Siko: *sighs* Yes, Kenken, you can have your Sketti-O's. Come on, we'll cook a pot of them.

Ken: *jumps up* Yay, Sketti-O's!

Siko: Whoever gave him Pixi-Stixs I will murder…but he's just so cute when he's hyper! *walks out, followed by a skipping Ken*

Crawford: *gets up and straightens his glasses* I am going to retrieve Schuldig before some random stranger does. Then again that happens all the time. *shrugs and leaves*

(Yohji and Aya are walking out)

Yohji: So, what about this punishment?

Aya: *holds up some bondage straps*

Yohji: *grabs his arm and hurries out*

Farfello: Well, um, I really have nothing to do. I guess I'll see what Schu and Crawford are going to be up to tonight. *smiles and struts out, whistling*

(Nagi and Omi are now sitting in the theater by themselves in silence)

Omi: …

Nagi: …

Omi: …wanna make out?

Nagi: Okay. 

(they go at it like wild animals ^^;;) 

Ah, the most screwed-up of the batch so far…hopefully I'll be able to bump the rating up in the near future ^_^ 


	6. The Sound of Music...

Um, spoilers for the Music Clip Animation video? Yeah, I butcher everyone really bad in here, but it's all out of love, right? ^_^

(4:30am at the Weiss apartment…everyone is sleeping peacefully, save Yohji who has just staggered in)

Yohji: *yawns, making his way over to his bed* Noooo…the shop opens in a few hours…I need to talk to Aya about changing the hours to 3pm to 6pm. Yeah, that'd be nice. *smiles and falls on the bed, instantly snoring*

(suddenly a really loud trumpet sounds)

Yohji: *eyes wide open, jumps up* Ah, Aya's going to freak out at me like last time!

~*~FLASHBACK SEQUENCE~*~

*the alarm rings at 6am and Yohji is still in bed, sleeping. 15 minutes later Aya walks in to see a mess of limbs protruding out of all sides of the sheets and the sound of loud snoring from under it*

Aya: *arms crossed* Yohji!

Yohji: *groans* Whaaaaaaaat? *looks out from under the covers, a dazed look in his eyes and smiles* Oh, hi, Aya. Come to take me up on my offer from last night?

Aya: Get downstairs. NOW.

Yohji: Nooooooo. The bed's too nice and warm…you should join me. *raises eyebrows* Ken and Omi can take care of the store for a few hours, right?

Aya: *calmly makes his way over to Yohji's drawer and pulls something from it*

Yohji: *stretches out* Yeah, I thought you'd see things my way…but that's not where the toys are, Aya-…huh?

Aya: *holds Yohji's little black book*

Yohji: *instantly sits up* What are you doing with that?

Aya: *starts ripping it down the middle*

Yohji: WAIT! THOSE ARE THE NUMBERS AND ADDRESSES OF HUNDREDS OF FOXES IN TOKYO!

Aya: *rips it completely, then throws it in the wastebasket* Downstairs now before all you KY Jelly goes down the drain. *calmly exits*

Yohji: *whimpers*

~*~END FLASHBACK SEQUENCE~*~

Yohji: *puts a new change of clothes on over the one's he's wearing and ties the apron to his forehead, running out*

(in Ken's room…)

Ken: *hands over ears* Dammit, I need my bishounen-sleep! What's going on?!

(in Omi's room…)

Omi: *crying* It's the apocalypse! 

(in Aya's room)

Aya: *growls and gets up, walking out to the hall, oblivious to the fact that he's still naked* YOHJI, I WILL KILL YOU! 

Yohji: *runs down the hall until he hears Aya and turns around* What do you me-ehhhhh??? *takes one look at Aya and gets a nosebleed*

Aya: WHAT is that sound?

(outside, Schwarz are all asleep in Siko's mother's minivan…)

Siko: *who is driving, also playing the trumpet* ALL OF YOU GET DOWN HERE! 

(inside…)

Yohji: No…

Aya: *head in hands*

(later, in the theater…)

(all the guys are just now waking up)

Crawford: What the hell are you doing waking us all up at 4am?! Don't you torment us enough *after* the light of dawn?

Siko: You guys are doing a special review today…

Yohji: *hopefully* The last one?

Siko: No!

Yohji: *sighs* Well, I can always dream, can't I?

Siko: You guys get to review the Weiss Music Clip Animation video. And you each get your own little musical number at the end.

Nagi: Oh, joy. You can just see that excitement radiating off of the happy glow on my face.

Siko: *pouts* Just pick a video. *shoves the list in his hands*

Nagi: *sighs and scans through it* …"Tokyo Sling".

Yohji: *snickers* Schu, you looked like a fat Sears model in that outfit you were wearing.

Schu: *face turns red* That was a new low. *sends him a mental blast*

Yohji: *falls backward* ACK! I was just kidding!

Farfello: Yeah, well I liked it. It was cool. *grins*

Nagi: Yes, we all know why you enjoyed it, Farfie…

Aya: Aya-chan didn't look like herself…she looked…odd.

Yohji: *sitting up, lighting a cigarette* Well, Aya looked really foxy in that video…

Aya: *looks away, a slight smile on his face*

Schu: *glares* So, I'm ugly to you now, is that it?

Yohji: No, no, that's not what I meant at all!

Schu: *turns away arms crossed* I'm so sure. And why did you try to kill me in that one part, hm?

Yohji: Because you tried to stab me!

Schu: Yeah, because I found out you were two-timing me with half the city!

Yohji: *raises an eyebrow* 

Ken: It's Yohji…you know, Kudou Yohji?

Schu: *vacant stare*

Omi: Man-whore extraordinaire? 

Schu: …oh, yeah, I forgot! Sorry about that, Yohji.

Yohji: Eh, I don't blame you for being jealous.

Nagi: I'm getting very scared so we're moving along: "Carnival 2000"

Farfello: I loved this video! God hurt after watching this so I forced him to watch it over and over again until he spontaneously combusted.

Others: *blink*

Farfello: What? I did!

Crawford: *grimaces* I hated this stupid video.

Aya: *crosses arms* That's because after seeing it, you realized how weak your fighting skills are.

Crawford: Shut up, they aren't weak…I was just trying out a new style. 

Aya: Likely. *smirks…scary ooc alert!*

Farfello: Oh, yeah, that was funny when Yohji killed Neu. *snickers*

Yohji: *silence, starts crying*

Omi: Here it comes…

Yohji: *suddenly looks up and screams* ASUKA!

Everyone: *covering their ears*

Yohji: *instantly regains composure* Alright I'm done.

Omi: Nagi…why wouldn't you let me touch you in that video? You slammed me into the wall! *sniffles*

Nagi: Because you were having that fling with Ouka.

Omi: *sadly* Oh, yeah…

Nagi: *pats him on the back* If it's any consolation, you looked really good all helpless like that and everything…*smiles*

Omi: *blushes* 

Schu: *grins* Ah, young love…

Nagi: I will rip all of you internal organs out.

Schu: *rolls eyes and sits back, crossing his legs*

Nagi: *clears throat and looks at the list* "Other Side of the Moon".

Crawford: I have nothing other to say than this video proves that all of Weiss swing their doors one way…

Yohji: *pouts* What are you getting at?

Crawford: In the beginning…when you're all naked in front of you image flowers…yeah, I think that pretty much spoke for itself.

Aya: Yohji's not gay, he's polysexual.

Ken: Yeah, if it's got a hole, it's good enough for Yohji.

Yohji: Shut up! You're all just jealous of my animal magnitude…

Omi: Very.

Nagi: Yeah, I'd say this video scared me, which is why we're no longer discussing it. Last one, finally: "Last in My Winds".

Yohji: Borrrrrring…

Schu: Yeah, this video sucked.

Omi: I liked it, the animation was nifty!

Schu: "Nifty"…who the hell uses "nifty" anymore?

Siko: *slaps him upside his head, glaring* I do…

Schu: Schwarz wasn't even in the video!

Nagi: Yeah, we were…for like, 2 seconds…

Aya: You should feel lucky that you were in it at all.

Crawford: We don't want to be in your stupid video anyway!

Aya: Good!

Yohji: Yeah, Aya had a really pissed off expression in the scene after Schwarz's.

Aya: Because they showed up during filming expecting to be in the video! …it made me angry. 

Ken: But no, "Takatori, shi-ne"-angry, right?

Aya: Oh, no, not that.

Siko: So anyways, if you don't have it yet, we suggest you go out and buy the Music Clip Animation DV, right guys?

Guys: *roll eyes* Yeah, sure, whatever.

Siko: So, who wants to do a musical number?

Yohji: Me, me! "Babe, babe, babe, babe, na, na"-

Aya: Not that!

Schu: I'll go!

Everyone: NO!

Schu: Why not? See, I'm so cool that I can sing in English: 

"Breeeeeeaaaaaaath wiiiiissssszzzzh meeeeeee!"*

(translation: Breathe with me!")

Everyone: AHHHH! 

Siko: Oh, come on guys, he's not that bad…it's kind of, uh…cute. Yeah.

Crawford: Hm, I can sing.

Nagi: Crawford, what I don't understand is that you're American and you have horrible English…

Crawford: *pouts*

Aya: I'm not singing.

Siko: Goddammit, yes, you are! 

Aya: …"babe, babe, babe, na, na, na." There are you happy?

Yohji: Hey, that's my song! Get your own!

Aya: I already have my own. About 50 of them.

Yohji: Have you noticed how all of my songs rock and everyone else's suck? Especially Ken's…

Ken: Hey!

Farfello: *glares at Yohji with that "I'm going to kill you" glare*

Ken: *smiles and hugs Farfie's arm*

Yohji: Oh, yeah, Omi's, too. *shoe hits the back of his head* OW!

Nagi and Omi: *smile*

Yohji: Pffttt, everyone's pissed off at me today for no reason…

Omi: 

"Brain wave, brain pain!"

Siko: What the hell does that mean? Alright, no more singing in English!

Guys: Ohhhh…

Siko: Except Farfie…he's not half bad.

Farfello: *smiles*

Siko: But why do you say "kiss my eye" and "kiss my leg"?

Farfello: I guess it's one of those mysteries of life we'll never understand. Like Schu's singing for instance: 

Schu: 

"Goobye, yoooo syke!

Vooooodooooo rall et!

Goobye, dark clouds,

droooop dayed, drooooop dayed

Goobye, myyy maaahs

I shot yo' peeeegs (peeegs!)

Goobye, stange froos

Get higha, get higha!

Myyyyy peeeeeh up!"

(translation: "goodbye your psycho, 

voodoo roll it, 

goodbye, dark clouds

drop dead, drop dead,

goodbye, my mars,

I shot your pigs(pigs!)

Goodbye, strange fruits,

Get higher, get higher

My pitch up

….no, I have no idea what the hell this means.) 

Everyone: …

Nagi: Can we end this now?

Siko: That would be a good idea.

Nagi: *pulls out a gag*

Guys: *all jump on Schu and Nagi shoves the gag in his mouth*

Schu: Hey, I was singing-mpppphhhh!

Ken: What should we do now?

Crawford: *shrugs* Have an orgy?

Guys: Yay!

Siko: Yeah, I'm just going to watch from a safe distance…with my camera…*scampers off*

Yeah, freaky one, ne? It's fun to torment pretty little bishounen. Oh, yeah, if ya don't have the dvd, I recommend going to jpophouse.com and buying it for 18 bucks. And download "Spiritualized" …yeah, it shouldn't be in English, but it still sounds cute anyway…


	7. We Got the Funk...

(back in the theater…and no, no loud wake-up calls this time. Everyone seems fairly alright, which is a surprise, ne? Aya sits reading a pamphlet entitled: Putting Those Movie traumas Behind You, looking very engaged in it, Crawford is sipping on a drink with a little umbrella in it while he's making Nagi give him a manicure. Nagi is occasionally nicking Crawford's fingers with the nail file)

Crawford: Ow! *sucks his thumb and glares at Nagi*

Nagi: …it slipped. *does it again*

(Omi is squirming uncomfortably in his seat after being fed a bowl of green M&M's by Nagi)

Omi: *hips bucking in the air* Nagi-kun, help…

(Ken and Farfie are showing their weapons off to one another…)

Farfello: (thrusts his knife) –and that's how you make a quick kill. Your victim won't even realize it until it's too late…*giggles*

Ken: Should you really be telling me this since we're enemies?  

Farfello: *blinks* I never really thought about that…

Ken: *shrugs and pulls out his bugnucks* Wanna try these on?

Farfello: *holds out his hand and smiles* You have to put it on me… 

Ken: *blushes* Well, uh, okay, if you insist…

(and finally, our Yotan and SchuSchu are tongue wrestling in the furthest seat over, and doing other very un-PG-13 rated fic things…^^;;)

Everyone else: *look over at them, eyes widen*

Yohji and Schu: *look up and blink* What?

(meanwhile, Siko is madly looking through books and copying things down)

Omi: Er, Siko-chan, what are you doing?

Siko: AH, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO TALK RIGHT NOW! I HAVE FINALS!

Schu: Funny, I didn't think they had finals in 2nd grade. *he grins and slaps Yohji a high 5 before being slapped in their heads* 

Both: Ouch!

Siko: AND I DIDN'T STUDY! I NEED HELLLLLLLLLLLP!

Nagi: Sucks to be you.

Siko: *screams and rips her hair out*

Everyone else: *back away*

Nagi: Maybe we should start reviewing…

Everyone else: *nod enthusiastically(it's the apocalypse!!)*

Nagi: *scans through and his eyes widen* A movie I actually like?

Everyone else: *gasp* 

Omi: *leans over Nagi's shoulder, hips still thrusting* What is it?

Nagi: It's Donnie Darko. 

Yohji: *rolls eyes* BORRRRRRING…

Omi: Yohji-kun, you walked out through half of it!

Yohji: It hurt my brain…seriously, I was trying to think about sex and usually I'm able to multi-task with my thoughts, right? Well, it was so complicated making me use my whole brain! I didn't have any room for screwing! Do you know how much that hurts?

Omi: *sweatdrop* Um, anyone else have an opinion?

Ken: It was kinda weird…but I guess it was alright. We should have rented Soccer's Greatest Injuries, though.

Aya: *hand to head*

Omi: I loved it! I thought it was really original…and plus Donnie was really cool.

Nagi: You do know that he's the same guy from 'Bubble Boy', right? 

Omi: …

Crawford: That was a pretty good movie...even though movies are too trivial for me…

Farfello: *contemplative look* That movie was like putting a camera on my head and walking around!

Everyone: *sweatdrop*

Aya: …I liked it. Except for. Him.

Omi: Who?

Aya: *whimpers* I don't want to say his name!

Ken: You mean Frank?

Aya: *shrieks* 

Yohji: You mean that guy in the rabbit suit? That thing was so stupid looking.

Aya: *cries* You told me that he was waiting under my bed for me!

Yohji: *grins* He still is…

Aya: *screams*

Schu: Eh, I agree with Yohji. It was too complicated. Plus Patrick Swayze was in it…*shudders*

Siko: *stares straight ahead and twitches* Patrick Swayze is cool, shush your mouth.

Schu: *laughs* Why don't you make me? Stupid kid…

Siko: *animal screech, turns to face him revealing glowing red eyes and canine teeth as she clasps Computer Lit. and French papers in her hand* YOU WANNA SCREW WITH ME RIGHT NOW?! 

Schu: *backs away, whimpering*

Siko: *cries* "And I find it kinda funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had…"

Ken: Are you all right?

Siko: That song is just so sad!

Schu: The Tears For Fears version makes me cry with its suckiness. *gets smacked in the head* Gah! 

Nagi: Why is 'Purple Rain' on the list?

Siko: *deadpan* It's for my friend, Eiko-chan. Review it or die.

Nagi: *eyes widen*

Crawford: *sweatdrop* Great movie.

Omi: *sweatdrop* It was great, yeah!

Ken: *sweatdrop* Wonderful!

Farfello: The absolute best.

Siko: That's better…

Nagi: Isn't that the Prince movie?

Aya: Yeah and it scared me. 

Omi: Aya-kun, every movie scares you.

Aya: That's not true. There are a lot of movies that don't scare me.

Schu: Oh yeah? Name one.

Aya: 'Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot'.

Schu: Yeah, that just about sums it up.

Yohji: Prince's music goes with me. It's the soundtrack to my life: "Sexy motherfucker, shakin' that ass, shakin' that ass!"

Schu: *clapping along* Sing it!

Siko: No more singing!

Yohji: *pouts*

Schu: Ya know, Siko, I think you should loosen up. You're freaking us all out…you're like, not force feeding us aphrodisiacs or shoving us in motel rooms with each other.

Other guys: *nod*

Siko: *cries* I'm gonna faaaaaaaaaail! I'll be a sophomore for the rest of my life!

Schu: Ah, who cares about studying when we can take you somewhere else?

Siko: Eh? What are you getting at?

Schu: *grins*

Yohji: *grins*

~*~

(everyone is on Soul Train*yeah, they have Soul Train in Japan now*…in the Soul Train line to be specific, as 'Flashlight' by Parliament Funkadelic plays*yes, this is a reference to that one Fresh Prince episode ^_^*)

Schu and Yohji: *standing off to the side, clapping and really getting into it*

Siko: Oh, god, no…

IN THE LINE:

~*~

Ken: *looking scared* Um, I can't really dance…*starts doing the Macarena* 

Yohji: That's my dance!

Omi: *sweatdrop*

~*~

Nagi: *walks down the line, glaring while Omi prances around behind him* Someone kill me now.

Omi: Come on, Nagi-kun! *grabs him and starts doing a Polish Dance with him(they're fun!)*

Nagi: *as Omi spins him around* ACK! STOP! I'M GOING TO VOMIT!

Omi: Isn't this fun? We need to go out more often!

Nagi: *unconscious* 

~*~

Aya: I'm not dancing…(stands there for 20 minutes just glaring)

~*~

Crawford: I'm not dancing…*pulls out his gun and tries unsuccessfully to shoot at the source of the music* Damn it all to hell.

~*~

Farfello: *looks around, shrugs, then starts doing the Robot*

Ken: *hand to head* 

(Yohji and Schu walk down the line together, both shaking their moneymakers)

Yohji: Yeah, this was a really good idea…

Schu: *grins* I think we've managed to successfully embarrass everyone…

Siko: *off in the corner, arms crossed, shaking her head*

Crawford: *has finally managed to shoot one of the big speakers, grinning*

(sparks fly…)

Omi: *holding onto a woozy Nagi* That can't be good. 

(…and fire breaks out)

Siko: *grins* Good Brad…

(people run around screaming, trying to get out)

Nagi: *goes all Carrie and locks the doors*

Omi: Nagi-kun!

Nagi: *opens the doors* Just kidding, just kidding…*he levitates them both to the nearest concert hall*

Omi: Um, Nagi, why are we here?

~*~

Schu: Goddammit, Bradley! *running out, shoving people down* Sexy bitches first!

Yohji: I think that was my cue. *follows*

Aya: *just stands there*

Crawford: *starts to walk out, notices Aya, sighs and walks over to him* I'm assuming you're staying here to burn.

Aya: I'm not moving from this spot.

Crawford: *rolls eyes and hoists him over his shoulder, walking out* I'm going to be paid back for this.

Aya: …

Farfello: *still doing the robot, happily* God's going to bleeeeeeed from this!

Ken: *grabs his arm and starts dragging him out* It would hurt him even more if you left and didn't burn to death so you can live to hurt him more…

Farfello: *stops* True. *makes a mad dash for the exit with Ken*

Siko: FINAAAAAAAAAALLLLLS! *kicks open a random door and runs screaming into the night*

~*~

(meanwhile, backstage at the concert hall…)

Nagi: *gaping* I…cannot…believe it.

(he stands in front of 5 sexy bitches…)

Nagi: *hyperventilating* It's actually you…

The Littlest Sexy Bitch, Whom We'll Call, Hm, Kyo: *stares at Nagi with a concerned look* Are you alright? 

Nagi: KYO-SAMA! *glomps him*

Kyo: Ack!

Nagi: ILOVEYOUSOMUCHYOUARESOGREATILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUCANIBEARYOURCHILDREN?????!!!!!

Yeah, Nagi can be a fanboy, too, right? I'm a proud Dir En Grey fangirl…This one was the most pointless of all the chapters ^_^ But it's good to be pointless on occasion…yes, my finals are tomorrow and Wednesday, that's why I had to get weird with this one…but school lets out soon and I'll have all summer to write and get back on track, so that makes me happy. But still…FINALS! Someone protect me! *curls into a ball*


	8. Yummy!

(everyone is at Burger King…for some stupid reason. Everyone is sitting down eating, save Aya, who is standing at the counter, talking to the cashier)

Aya: I'd like…*scans the menu* …a cheeseburger…WITHOUT pickles…NO pickles.

Cashier: Would you like to buy a Whopper instead?

Aya: *grimaces* What did I just say? The customer is *always* right. Unless of course they're my customer.

Cashier: So I have a cheeseburger-

Aya: WITHOUT pickles.

Cashier: Would you like anything else, sir?

Aya: Did I *ask* for anything else? *crosses arms* Incompetence…

(back at the table Yohji and Schu are both drinking cherry freezes and playing footsie. Nagi and Omi have been in the bathroom for about 15 minutes now, Farfie is poking at his chicken sandwich and watching in disgust as it jiggles like gelatin, Brad is staring around at all the redneck inhabitants and giving them 'you're lucky I decided to grace you scum with my divine presence' looks, Siko is on her 20th Frozen Lemonade*those things are addictive!* and Ken is eagerly tearing open his Big Kids meal)

Ken: I got a toy from Spirit! Wheeeee!!

Everyone else: *stare at him…*

Ken: *blinks* What? 

(Nagi and Omi emerge from the bathroom, giggling and looking kinda disheveled)

Schu: *looks at them and smirks* Have fun?

Nagi: *shoots him a glare* Kiss my ass. 

Schu: Aw, Nagi's getting his period so he's going to be extra-bitchy this week…

Nagi: *shakes his head* Oh, how witty was that remark. I think I'm peeling with laughter: Ha. Ha. Ha.

Schu: *laughs* Ha, yeah, I am pretty funny, aren't I?

Nagi: *looks down, hand to head*

Aya: *walks over to the table holding his tray and everyone stares at this nearly microscopic sandwich on it*

Yohji: *looking at it with a magnifying glass* Is that even edible?

Aya: *swats at him* Don't contaminate my food…

Schu: Shot down!

Yohji: *narrows his eyebrows at Schu* 

Schu: *grins* You're so cute when you're angry.

Yohji: *crosses his arms and kicks his leg hard*

Schu: *winces, still trying to grin* Feisty today, aren't we? 

Aya: *opens the sandwich to check that everything is right and finds….A PICKLE!* What's this? Is this a *pickle*?! I SPECIFICALLY SAID NO PICKLES! WHAT KIND OF ESTABLISHMENT GIVES YOU PICKLES WHEN YOU ASK FOR NO PICKLES?!…oh, I know who's behind this…Takatori's working here now, isn't he?! He'll pay for this…

( in the kitchen…)

Disgruntled Cook: *is making burgers, occasionally throwing road kill in with the mix*

(Velvet Underworld starts playing…Disgruntled Cook looks up to see Aya above him, suddenly in his assassin gear, katana raised above his head)

Aya: TAKATORI-

Disgruntled Cook: That's not my name!

Aya: *face goes blank*...oh. *face slowly comes over with an angry expression* Don't lie to me! I know who you are!…you're in disguise, aren't you? TAKATORI REIJI! 

(back at the table…)

Omi: He's at it again…

Nagi: Eh?

Omi: *sweatdrop* This makes 247 people he's mistaken for Takatori and killed.

Schu: *snickers* This is just too amusing…

Nagi: Death is not amusing.

Schu: Oh, lighten *up*, Nagi!

Farfello: Yeah, death is always funny, Nagi, what's wrong with you?

Nagi: *hand to head*

Schu: What's the matter, Bradley? You haven't said a word since we walked in and that's not like you…typically you'd be bitching about something by now. That or using some metaphor about insects, anyway.

Crawford: These people…they're disgusting! Look at them with their wretched lives!

Schu: But don't we see that wherever we go?

Crawford: Yeah, but here…*shudders*

Ken: *anxiously checking his watch* It's 3:00 already…don't the middle schools around here let out at around 3:15?

Everyone else: *silence*

Aya: *walks back over with his bloody katana and puts it on the table*

Ken: *sees where Aya placed it on top of his food, goes SD and cries* AYA GOT MY CHICKEN TENDERS ALL BLOODY!

Aya: *takes a napkin and just barely swipes it across Ken's food*

Siko: *passed out on the table, a Lemonade Freeze still clutched in her fingers*

Yohji: *notices their captor's bad condition* I guess those things are hazardous to your health, ne?

Nagi: *pokes her* I think she's suffering from brain freeze. *looks at everyone*

Guys: *look at each other, smile, and start to make a run for the door*

Siko: *springs up, face completely blue* HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!

Guys: *stop and frown*

Schu: Damn, we almost made it that time, too…

Siko: *pulls out the dreaded list, grinning* I delight in torturing all of you…

Guys: *all sit down groaning and Nagi snatches the list away*

Crawford: I think we should start reviewing crappy fanfics like *yours*.

Siko: Like the one you're in right now.

Crawford: …huh…?

Omi: Yes, right now, Siko is actually on her computer writing all of this.

Schu: Yeah right! Like I believe that story!

Siko: I can make you do or say *anything* I want, like now:

Schu: *clasps his hands together and bats his lashes while looking at Nagi* Tee hee!

Nagi: *scoots away*

Schu: *making goo-goo eyes* Nagi, I have such a big crush on you! Will you dump Omi and go out with me instead? *suddenly snaps out of it, eyes wide* Why in the hell did I say that?!  

Yohji: Che…

Siko: So all of you behave or *eyes Schu* I'll do something even worse.

Schu: *whimpers*

Nagi: Well…here we go. How about Star Wars?

Aya: *blinks* Isn't that…a movie from the 70s or something?

Crawford: *blinks* You're joking, right?

Aya: …

Yohji: *wraps an arm around Aya* Our little Aya doesn't get out much.

Aya: *glares at him*

Ken: I just saw Attack of the Clones! It was cool! But that one scene with Yoda fighting…that was kinda disturbing,,,

Yohji: Kinda like your obsession with soccer and children, ne Ken?

Ken: *seethes*

Farfello: Brad took me to see the premiere Phantom Menace with him a while back. *smiles* I really liked it…

Brad: *sighs* The old stretch and yawn wasn't successful…

Schu: Ewan McGregor, Farfie…*grins*

Farfie: I hate you.

Schu: *feigning shock* That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me! Aw, you have no idea what this means to me! *pats his head and smirks*

Farfello: *grabs his wrist and twists it*

Schu: Ow! *pouts, nursing his wrist* 

Nagi: Hey, Omi, seeing the premiere was our first date, remember?

Omi: *smiles* How could I forget?  

Brad: *pales*

Nagi: What's wrong?

Brad: Now I know what those weird sounds coming from behind us were…

~*~FLASHBACK SEQUENCE~*~

(Crawford and Farfello are sitting in the theater, watching the film. Farfello looks really engaged in it while Crawford seems kinda distracted whilst sipping his oversized/priced movie theater soda…)

On-screen: "I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war."

Crawford: *looks at his soda for a minute then grins*

Farfello: *staring intently at the screen*

Crawford: *looks about whistling for a minute before the cup "slips" from his fingers and his soda spills in Farfie's lap* 

Farfello: *jumps* Ah, cold!

Crawford: *suppressing a smile* Whoops, me and my butterfingers! *laughs quietly to himself*

Farfello: *starts to scoot away, a scared/weirded-out look on his face…*

Crawford: *grabs his arm and pulls him back* Here, let me clean it up…*starts to reach over but stops at what he hears behind them*

Voice #1: *loud moaning*

Voice #2: Does that feel nice?

Voice #1: Mmm, so g~ooooooooo~d…

Crawford: *eyes wide*

Farfello: *blinks continually*

Voice #1: AHHHHHHH!!!

Crawford and Farfello: *both staring intently at the screen, both sweatdropping*

~*~END FLASHBACK SEQUENCE~*~ 

Schu: *snickers* Who knew?

Yohji: *follows suit* Yeah, our little exhibitionists…bathrooms, movie theaters, any place else we should know about? 

Omi: *blushes*

Nagi: *glowers at Schu and Yohji* Screw you both.

Yohji: Maybe in a few years, kid…*winks*

Schu: What are you waiting for, Naggles? Right here, on the table!

Nagi: I hate you.

Schu: Ooh, twice in one day! I'm getting good…

Nagi: I'm ending this before it gets any worse. *looks over the list and raises an eyebrow* 'The Little Mermaid'?

Yohji: Another one of Aya's favorites!

Aya: No, it isn't!

Yohji: Aw, don't lie, Aya! You think I could ever forget the time I walked in on you dancing around your room singing 'Under the Sea'?

Aya: *reddens* It's a catchy song, okay?

Yohji: *grins* Of course it is, Aya, of course it is…

Schu: *leans back* Hm, does anyone else notice the amount of Disney movies being requested?

Ken: Yeah, why does everyone think we would like Disney enough to have watched the movies?!

Siko: Because you *do*.

Ken: I don't!

Siko: I happen to know that your favorite movie is Pinocchio.

Ken: *gapes* But…how…?

Schu: Ha! You like Disney!

Siko: And Schu, yours is Mary Poppins.

Schu: *flinches* 

Nagi: I know what Schu's favorite videogame is…

Schu: You wouldn't *dare*!

Nagi: 'Zero Wing'. 

Everyone else besides Schu: *laugh their asses off*

Schu: *tries to strangle Nagi unsuccessfully* You little bastard!

Siko: And now for something completely different.

*suddenly a screen drops down beside them…*

Aya: Why? Why do you make all these random things happen?!

Siko: Roll film!

~*~

"WHEN ZERO WING TRIED TO MARKET TO WEISS KREUZ FANS: "

(Weiss is working in the Koneko when suddenly…a brick crashes through the window! *oh no!*)

Yohji: What happen?

Omi: *points at the brick* Someone set up us the bomb.

Ken: We get signal. *points at the t.v.* 

Aya: *drops the ever-present hose* What!

Ken: Main screen turn on. *flips the t.v. on*

*Schu and Crawford walk inside*

Aya: It's you!

Crawford: How are you gentlemen!!

Schu: *grins* All your flower shop are belong to us.

Crawford: You are on the way to destruction.

Aya: What you say!! *crumples to the floor, head in hands* 

Crawford: You have no chance to survive make your time.

Schu: HA HA HA HA…*they walk out*

Aya: *looks valiant, staring off into space* Take off every 'zig'.

Yohji: You know what you doing.

Ken: Move 'zig'.

Omi: For great justice.

THE END

~*~

Nagi: What the hell was that?

Yohji: I think it was an excuse to use up some time.

Siko: Oh, hush you…

Farfello: Are there any more movies left to review?

Everyone: *stare at him in shock*

Farfello: I'm just *asking*!

Schu: Yeah right. You just wanna see if there'll be anymore movies with *grin* Ewan McGregor… 

Farfello: *growls and throws himself at Schu*

Schu: AHHHHH!!!!

Siko: Well, in response to Farfie's question, no, there are no more reviews for now. I've decided to stop early so that I can walk Ken over to the Middle School.

Ken: *eyes get big* Really?

Siko: *smiles* Yes, Ken, really.

Ken: *gets up* Let's go!

Yohji: *leans back in the chair* When you 2 get arrested, I'm just gonna laugh.

Siko: You just keep an eye open and make sure Farfie doesn't kill Schu. *follows a very excited Ken out*

Yohji: …right. *falls asleep*

Crawford: *looks out the window* Ooh, there's a Safeway across the street! *imagines riding around the parking lot in one of the shopping carts*

Aya: *is grabbed by an eager Crawford and looks at him confusedly* Eh???

Crawford: You get to push me! *starts dragging him out*

Aya: O-okay. I guess. *lets himself be pulled out the door*

Schu: *lies there all beaten up* …ow. That hurt like a bitch.

Farfello: *stands over him and smiles, arms crossed* I bet that made god bleed.

Schu: *gets up and brushes himself off* Come on, we're going to the Best Western hotel.

Farfello: Right then. *they walk out and stop when they see Aya running and pushing the cart that Crawford is sitting in*

Crawford: *arms outstretched* WHOO-HOO!

Schu: Now that is just disturbing. 

Farfello: *nods and they quickly walk away, trying to avert their gaze*

Aya: *hops in the cart with Crawford as Safeway employees begin chasing after them*

Employee: Hey, you can't do that!

Crawford: Ha, ha, ha! You'll never catch us alive!

(the cart crashes into a parked car and Crawford and Aya are thrown out)

Crawford: *winces in pain*

Aya: Why did we just do that?

Crawford: *shakily sits up* I don't really know. *grins* Let's do it again.

(back inside of Burger Kings)

Yohji: *asleep on the table, drooling, a cigarette hanging out of his mouth*

Omi: Well…we're relatively alone again.

Nagi: *looks around the restaurant* That booth seat looks big enough.

Thanks to all of you who wished me luck on my stupid exams! I had your encouragements in my mind as I took them ^_^ (made it out with b's, too!) 

Mwa ha ha ha, that last part was inspired by my stupid friends who like to steal carts from Safeway and push each other around in them O_o idiots…one time I was watching them and I thought about what it would look like with Crawford, in his suit(that's a scary suit) and just his whole serious businessman-like demeanor. Me and my weird mind… 


	9. Randomness Abound! A Waste of Precious T...

Bwahahahaha, I'm back and even more pointless than ever! I'm home sick, so I have some time to write. Uh, is that a good thing or a bad thing? ^^;; 

~*~

THE MOST RANDOM CHAPTER OF ALL!

~*~

(Everyone is gathered around tables in…*dundundun* THE FOOD COURT AT TOWN MALL! *yes, my town's mall is actually called 'Town Mall' @_@*)

Ken: *pointing at the cinema* Look, Spy Kids 2 is playing!

Yohji: *smoking* Ken, you're the only person over 12 that I know that would enjoy that movie.

Ken: *glares* Are you calling me immature?!

Yohji: *takes a drag of his cigarette* Oh, ho, ho, I wish I was…

Schu: *reading the mind of some random preppy girl that's hovering over Omi* Naggles, I think that your boyfriend's got an admirer…

Nagi: Huh?

Schu: *points at the girl* Just look.

Girl: *looking at Omi and giggling, trying to shove her chest in his face*

Nagi: *seethes* 

Omi: Uh…

Girl: Tee hee, you're cute!

Omi: Um, thank you, but-

Girl: Wanna meet me in the bathroom?

Nagi: *growls*

Girl: *the ceiling suddenly caves in, all of the debris conveniently crashing down atop her* WAHHHHHHHH!!!

Farfello: *cackles and starts kicking her lifeless body*

Crawford: *adjusts his glasses* I saw that before it happened, you know.

Aya: *polishing his katana and glaring at the Italian guys that keeping staring at him from Villa Pizza*

Italian Guy: Salve, bella…

Aya: *blinks*

Yohji: *crosses his arms* How long have we been prisoners here?

Omi: *types something on his laptop and peers at the screen* …8 chapters and counting, Yohji-kun.

Yohji: *groans*

Nagi: *glares at Siko, who is drawing fervently in her notebook* How much longer do you intend on keeping us here?

Siko: *looking disinterested* About 20 more minutes.

Guys: NANI?!

Siko: Yup, and I'm almost finished my picture! 

Aya: Freedom!

Schu and Yohji: WHOO-HOO! WE FINALLY GET TO HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH COMPLETE STRANGERS AGAIN! *they slap each other 5*

Crawford: What the hell are you drawing anyway? You've had us sitting here for about 5 hours now…

Siko: All in time, Crawlie, all in time…

Schu: Does this mean we don't have to review any more movies?

Siko: That is correct.

Guys: YAY!

Siko: And as a special treat, we're going to watch a movie instead.

Guys: YAY AGAIN!

Farfello: What is it? I hope it's 'Beauty and the Beast'…

Siko: See, I told you that you guys liked Disney!

Farfello: Hmph, at least I can admit it.

Siko: The movie we're watching is…

Guys: *listening intently*

Siko: 'Romeo and Juliet'

Ken: What?! No!

Crawford: I agree.

Yohji: Anything but that!

Siko: But…this copy is about 4 years old…

Guys: *whimper*

Siko: Recorded at the School for Gifted Children in…

Guys: Don't say it!

Siko: MOROCCO! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! I HAVE YOUR SCHOOL PLAY!

Guys: *crying*

Siko: *grinning at Crawford* You were still in 8th grade…

Crawford: It's not funny!

Schu: Ha, ha, Braddy failed 2nd grade about 10 times!

Crawford: Shut up, I was a slow learner!

Schu: You were 23 in 8 th grade! *cackling*

Crawford: You were 18!

Schu: *silence* …

Siko: Yeah, how the hell did you all end up failing and ending so auspiciously up in the same school and grade? 

Guys: *shrug*

Nagi: Finals.

Siko: *slowly nods* Riiiiiiight…well, anyhow, after much searching, bargaining and murder-uhhhh…I obtained a videotape of your school play!

Yohji: Must…resist…urge…not to…strangle…

(yet another screen drops down beside them)

Aya: Stop doing that, dammit!

Siko: Uh, the beginning was cut off because I accidentally pressed the record button when I was watching Queer as Folk.

Guys: *sweatdrop*

(a shot of a stage where Crawford is standing, dressed in a cape and next to him is Schu in a dress. Opposite of them are 2 random boys whom none of us really give a damn about and Omi and Nagi wearing tights*grin*)

Crawford: What noise is this? Give me my long sword, ho!

Schu: *blinks, then crosses his arms, glaring* Who are you calling a ho?!

Crawford: Huh? No, no, I didn't mean it like that-

Schu: Oh, you're still upset that I slept with Yohji that day we were broken up, aren't you?!

Yohji's voice offstage: Don't bring me into this!

Crawford: I was just saying my lines!

Schu: *turns away, sobbing* You don't love me anymore!

Crawford: Ohh, Schu-baby, that's not true!

Nagi and Omi: *snickering*

Crawford: *pouts* It's not funny!

Schu: YOU'RE JUST USING ME FOR SEX!

Crawford: *hand to head*  

(static. Camera comes back on revealing Aya, wearing a dress standing at a balcony with Yohji hiding in some bushes under it, also wearing tights*gringrin*)

Yohji: I don't know which of us is worse off.

Aya: *glaring, monotone* Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Persia, the director offstage: More feeling, Aya!

Aya: I have no feeling for that…*thing*!

Yohji: Hey! You could have tacked 'sexy' onto that!

Persia: Aya, do I have to replace you?

Aya: Fine, I didn't want to be in this stupid play anyway! *rips off his dress oblivious to the fact that he's wearing nothing under it and stomps offstage*

Yohji: Ack! *nosebleeds*

(static. The camera rolls again to show Persia standing on stage, head bowed)

Persia: I am deeply sorry. We have no actors left. Schuldig has locked himself in the dressing room crying, Bradley is backstage still attempting to say his lines in a non-offensive way, Omi and Nagi locked themselves in the janitor's closet, Yohji is in the nurse's office for profuse bleeding, Aya is slashing through the wardrobe department, Ken never showed up for his role as Paris(we suspect he's at the elementary school next door applying for a job. We have, however, called the police and he will be detained.) and Farfello has killed the rest of the cast and is now on a rampage through the rest of the school. With this in mind, I will be performing the rest of the play on my own as Juliet with my assistant, Manx, as Romeo.

Manx offstage: I'm not going there!

(static)

Siko: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Guys: *blushing*

Siko: *crying* You sucked so bad!

Schu: It wasn't as bad as your summer camp's play when you were 8!

Siko: *pouts* Oh, hush.      

Omi: I never even got to say my lines.

Nagi: Oh, but you did just fine in the closet…

Omi: Nagi-kun!

Schu and Yohji: *grin at each other* They learned from the best.

Nagi: Die, you disgusting excuses for human flesh.

Schu: Wow, Nagi, that's a new one! Keep it up and you'll get to the manipulative level; then you'll be just like ME.

Nagi: If that ever happened I'd kill myself.

Schu: Good one!

Nagi: *glaring*

Siko: *scribbling furiously still* Just…about…done…there!

Guys: *all crowd around*

Ken: Uhhhh…what is it?

Siko: It's all of you! A memento of the happy times I had reviewing movies with you guys.

Crawford: Schu, I didn't know that you could contort yourself like that…

Schu: *eyes wide* Neither did I…

Yohji: ACK! *nosebleeds*

Omi: So, are we free now?

Siko: Yep! Run free my little bishounen assassins! 

(everyone just kind of stands there, looking awkward)

Siko: *blinks* I said you could go.

Ken: Well, that's the thing…

Schu: Yeah. *laughs nervously*

Nagi: We have nothing else to do.

Siko: *blinks* You're kidding.

Yohji: *holding paper towels up to his nose* Well, *I* have a life!

Aya: All you ever do is have sex!

Yohji: *nods* Exactly.

Aya: *rolls eyes* I don't know why I haven't killed you yet.

Omi: Well, I guess this means that we'll have to go back to work at the Koneko.

Yohji and Ken: *groan*

Aya: *murmuring about money*

Crawford: And we'll have to go back to work randomly appearing and using spooky psychic powers.

Rest of Schwarz: *groan*

Siko: Well, then, must go, bye! *disappears*

Omi: Well, that didn't take too long.

Nagi: *furrows brows* What just happened?

Omi: That? Oh, we all just used reverse psychology on her…Siko thinks like a 5 year old, so we knew it'd work.

Schu: *smirks* Very well, I might add.

Nagi: What was the point? She said she was letting us go anyway.

Farfello: No, that was just her way of screwing with our heads.

Ken: She joys in torturing us, remember?

Nagi: Omi, you're a genius!

Omi: *averts his gaze, blushing* Yeah, well…

Low, ominous voice: I HEARD ALL OF THAT!

Yohji: Dammit, Omi, why did you have to open your big mouth?!

Omi: But-

(suddenly a big, long list about 1, 000, 000 miles long drops down in front of them)

Guys: HUH?!

Siko: I want all of these reviewed *now*!

Ken: *cries*

Crawford: This'll take us until we're middle-aged and no longer bishounen!

 Schu: Che, you're almost there, Brad.

Crawford: *hisses and tries to claw Schu*

Schu: Ah! *ducks*

Farfello: If I strangled someone with this list do you think that God would cry?

Siko: *laughing evilly* This'll give you about another 20 chapters to get through! *more evil laughing, hacks*

Guys: Noooooooooooo…

Er, uh, sorry about the pitifulness of that chapter. Anyhow, let me know more movies you want so that I can keep the boys hard at work *gringrin*


End file.
